WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

In August of this year I will celebrate 25 years of proper theatre going. How is it possible that GUYS AND DOLLS at the National Theatre was 25 years ago? I have stayed loyal to Theatreland through those years, now it's the only art form I look forward to going to... no matter what the production.

And now see how the West End is repaying me... with stage versions of two of my favourite films.

ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER is to be staged at the Old Vic in September. To sweeten the pill allegedly Pedro Almodovar will have final script and casting approval with talk already that Lesley Manville is up for the role of Manuela, played luminously in the film by Cecilia Roth.

And even more destressing, DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN: THE MUSICAL is pencilled in at the Gielgud in November. Among the producers are Old Vic Productions.

Remind me to pop a note though to bloody Kevin Spacey.

The ...SUSAN musical - perish the thought someone in the West End have an original though - will be set to the back catalogue of Blondie which I guess fits in with the New York scene of the 80s. I can just see it... Roberta dreams of Susan's life singing (I'M ALWAYS TOUCHED BY YOUR) PRESENCE DEAR or chasing her round Manhattan to the strains of ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

Yeesh.

But just to show potential disasters are a two way street... Tim Burton's screen adaptation of Stephen Sondheim's SWEENEY TODD is due to finish principal photography soon.

The role of Sweeney has in the past taxed the vocal limits of such actor/singers as Len Cariou, George Hearn, Alun Armstrong and Denis Quilley and is now to be immortalised on the big screen by... Johnny Depp who by his own admission has a voice like "the mating call of a rutting stag".

And as Mrs. Lovett which in the past has been played wonderfully by such greats as Angela Lansbury, Sheila Hancock, Julia McKenzie and Patti LuPone?

Helena Bonham-Carter.

Yes.. THAT Helena Bonham-Carter.

Who just happens to be Tim Burton's girlfriend.

Pass me the razor when you're done with it Sweeney...